Hidden Insecurity

I thought I wasn't having any problems with insecurity. I was fine with myself, if someone threw an insult my way, I just brushed it off and laughed with it. I even helped others who were struggling with their own insecurities.

Then, here comes a friend (N) of a friend (A) who is apparently famous in her small group of friends. She (N) became my friend. Now I'm not gonna be writing about how she's such a b and how she brought the worst out of me because she didn't. She's a really good person and she's awesome. I'll leave it at that. I'll just be writing about what I experienced. Not about the people concerned.

So. We became really good friends. Then, though I don't really care nor do I have the right to, she and her friend (A) became close friends with another friend (R) that I almost had an exclusive relationship with. Keyword: Almost. I wrote him a letter that reminded him that we were still young and that I thank him for being a good friend. It kinda got ended, and sometimes I think if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's not that I want an exclusive relationship, but then I couldn't help but think, wow. All that for nothing. idk. Anyways.

They became like the 'popular' trio. They also call themselves the 'Besties.' Yes, so corny. Haha. No serious harm intended. So yeah. Although I was surrounded with other friends, sometimes I couldn't help but look at them for any sign of suspicious activity. Like a forming MU (mutual understanding aka they like each other and both of them know).

N told me that she doesn't like R in that way. I took it, but I didn't really trust her. I know it's a really bad thing to do, I couldn't help but wonder, what if? Time passes and a lot of people change drastically. But what if though?

I couldn't help but think that way because the last person who was in an MU with R also became a friend. She was nice, she was there just because she was helping out. Then things happened, and bam they were in an MU and almost in a relationship. Oh by the way this girl is like 6 years older than R. You'd think that she would have a wee bit, just a wee bit more brains because she was older. Ew. The things wrong love can do.

One of a lot of reasons why I thought that way was because N was pretty. A lot of people say so, and also self-proclaimed. It wasn't what ugly people do to get attention, but instead, it was like a well-known fact. She was good in playing the guitar, drums, singing, talking to other people. Kind of like me, except she was the popular one, and I don't mix well with other people in our area because I spoke a lot of English and a little Tagalog. 

So to cope with my increasing jealousy (yes, jealousy, fudgin jealousy), I became the person I never wanted to be, the person I was taught not to be, the person I loathed. Ew. Yes. I became a bitchy person towards them, but more on the two girls A and N.

I started hanging out with them less, kept conversation to a minimum, started being rude... It was so wrong, I knew it. But I kept on doing it anyways. I was afraid and jealous and insecure. I didn't realise that until A and N pulled me aside and gently asked if there was anything wrong.

I knew a lot of things were wrong with me, but I played the let's-just-pretend-I-still-vaguely-hate-you-and-that-I-think-nothing's-wrong-so-you'll-come-clean-and-tell-me-what-the-fudge-is-wrong. They explained that their relationship is entirely platonic/philia and that a lot of the things they do is entirely for the purpose of growing better as a person and as a Christian.

Turns out, they were so pissed with me when I did those things. I apologised and told them what I was afraid of. I told them I was kinda jealous, but I didn't elaborate that I was jealous of their friendship. It was a very close friendship that had a lot of wisdom. I was just kinda sad, that in all I did with R, it was all crap, almost all worthless.

I feel really bad for myself now. Honestly. That to think I was raised according to the Bible, then I act like this. Honestly I think it's better if you get to know Jesus in your teen years, but I don't know. I am in no place to claim or argue about that.

The decision lies in the person though. I have been swayed too much. If I had avoided an MU in the first place, I would not have been jealous of them. If I had become just friends with R, then I wouldn't have felt like this (such hugot lol but no srsly). A lot of it had been my fault.

So yeah. I opened this topic, talking about insecurity. Sometimes people do things because they want to prove something. Well here's the thing. You have nothing to prove, but everything to improve.

I remember someone telling me that if you're really walking with God, you wouldn't have a problem with self-esteem or insecurity because it's Him who gives you worth. It's Him who loves you more than you would ever know. If you're truly walking with God, you wouldn't go searching for love in the wrong places, because you know that real love is found only in God.

But seriously, I thank God for what He has been teaching me. Even though I mess up a lot of times, I know He's there to pick me up. He pointed out things in me that I need to improve on, and I'll really strive to improve.

It had hurt a lot to admit that I was jealous and insecure. I guess I was too proud to admit that I constantly need God. Well, disciplining sucks. It hurts, but I know God loves me and it's for my own good.

So yeah. I hope I was able to encourage others and warn some about the dangers wrong decisions can make. Haha.

So thank you and God bless! :)
Eunicorne xx

p.s. A & N & R, if you happen to read this, now you know. And I'm sorry. I'll improve.

Let's Catch Up A Bit, Yeah?

Yes, I have been gone for too long. Much too long for my liking.

So let me fill you in on what happened on my escapades while I was gone.

I couldn't write a lot, because of the super duper ultra awesome slow internet. I also became busy with school, and family, and church, and life.

Last December was hectic. Christmas parties here and there. Sometimes I had to perform in those Christmas parties too.

Anyways, January, and once again I was pressured to finish my studies and submit grades, all while practicing for the school play. I kind of have a problem though. Like if I have a lot of responsibilities and stuff to do, I get overwhelmed because I want them all done, but I also want to read, to play music, watch a movie, take photos, cook food and such. So what do I do? I basically just shut down and sit at the table with my schoolbook open and my phone in my hand. I usually end up with little to no things done.

It's hard, and weird, and crazy.

Finally, first week of February, my mum was like, 'okay Eunice we have to finish and submit your grades bc requirement. Oh and you also have to complete your apprenticeship too.' Aaaannd... I did like three quarter's worth of test papers in about two days. I was exhausted after that, but I still had time to post something on Instagram. Haha.


Aaaanndd... here I am, desperately trying to write something for my blog, so people won't think I died (idk what do u guys think). I don't want to treat writing and blogging as something tiring, but sometimes I'm really not in the mood for doing this. I don't know. I think I have to get my brain working in tip-top shape. Hahaha haha. ha. ha. i crey

But yes, as I mentioned in my previous post, I would be talking a bit about the story that I'm currently writing. It has a really long title, and I have no idea why I went with that. It came from the song Angels, by Mayday Parade. The story is about a girl's life. Aaaaaanndd... it may or may not have been based on real life Writer's block sucks. That's all.

So yeah. See you next time! I have to finish vlogging for my portfolio.

Muah.
Eunicorne

What. I'm here again. Hi.

*makes epic sounds like opening a huge door* *coughs because of the dustiness*

Hi again. I know, I know it looks like I've abandoned this place. Which I have done, for like a month.

AND I'M SORRY! Stuff gets in my way, and I'm telling you. I am not amused. What with my recent travelling around the Philippines escapades, and newly discovered fandom and another book I'm pressured to update, I still have to post stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and WeHeartIt, discover the pains joys of digital art, rediscover the joys of traditional art, and I finally posted something on my DeviantArt!! Wooooo~~

Okay, I'm sorry. I've been rambling, and I'm just getting out everything I've wanted to say. So let's start again.

What have I been doing while I was away?

I was travelling. I went to Baguio. I went to Antipolo. I also went back and forth from Manila to Batangas.

From my Instagram: "Because touristas. #baguio #minesviewpark #nofilter"

I posted this photo on my WeHeartIt account, but I have loads of photos I was too lazy to upload. xD
This was when I went to Antipolo with some churchmates. Those were some of the boys. :)))

From my Instagram: "Oh look I'm on a bamboo dock. #TaalLake #nofilter

What else? Oh right. New fandom. Hahaha haha ha ha... ha. Yeah, I'm back to the weirdness (and awesomeness) that is called a fandom. This time, I'm not always surrounded by 12-year-olds (or younger) who doesn't even know how to construct a proper sentence. (No offense.)

Anyways! New fandom. *drumroll* Marvel.

Yes, I said Marvel Comic/Cinematic Universe, even though I don't actually read comics. lol. Well you see, it started out on a fine day. I was on Tumblr. I see someone called "Bucky" with Captain America. I reblogged it, even though I have no idea what it is. Soon, my sister and I (yes, the two of us only, with no parental guidance) ((whoops i probably shouldn't have said that)) watched Captain America: The First Avenger. I got OBSESSED. I immediately fangirled over Bucky. (HE'S MINE. NO WAIT HE'S STEVE'S BUT. THEY'RE BOTH MY BAES SO)

Then at night, I watched Iron Man 3, because it was the only Iron Man movie available on Megashare, and yeah. The next day, I watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I was crying. Literally and figuratively.

Edit: I've loved Avengers since 2012, but I kinda only focused on Natasha and Clint, even though my knowledge of them was really small. Then I stopped for a bit, then CAT:FA revived it. :3

Then, I followed some great tumblr and deviantart artists who have the same fandom as I, and I got inspired to do digital art. So I made some. Here, lemme show you some~~

I painted these first, then I scanned it. (Yes, I am very embarrassed to say that that red and yellow blob is in fact Iron Man, and I was in a rush to paint him. I don't know why.)

Cropped, enhanced, and with watermark pasted on.

It's very huge because of the size of the scan. I should've made it smaller for DeviantArt though. Anyways...

So there. Did I miss anything? Yeah, I think. I've been going back and forth from Manila to Batangas, and I got an allergy. I don't know where, or why, but now it's gone, and I'm thankful for that. So yaaaaaaahhh

Oh oh and I'mma do some quick promotions here.

Read my newest story on Wattpad! I'm really intent on finishing this one, don't worry. xD it's entitled This Can't Be Happening, I Must Be Dreaming. I shall explain it on my next post. xD

And probably follow me on DeviantArt. I'm just starting, but hopefully I'll be able to post new artworks soon! :D

And my WeHeartIt. I post Tumblr-worthy photos that I should be posting on Tumblr instead. hahaha. Well, it's a good platform to get my Tumblr around so... yeah. :)

Aaannddd follow me on Instagram, if you'd like to follow my day-to-day adventures. Yep. Hahaha okay.

I'm done here! Until next time! :)
Eunicorne xoxo

Flashback On A Monday: UPCAT.

I believe I owe you guys something. Although I never said I'd post this (I think...), I think I should because I won't have any written memories of this event, other than my own memory, which will most likely fade in the next few months because of my very busy life. Also, I don't have photos, because I wasn't allowed any electronic device during the event. Anyways.

You probably know what I'm talking about. I took the UPCAT last August 16, and I'll just kinda share with you what my experiences were.

The day before. So the day before, I wasn't supposed to study, because the information wouldn't get into my brain anyways (the review center told me that, I didn't say that okay don't hold me accountable). But I really think the information would've stayed. Anyways. They said I should relax or something. So I did. Guess what I did?

I blogged. And I refreshed my mind with HTML and CSS. I had my reviewer beside me, but instead of last minute reviewing (which really wasn't advisable), I blogged, listened to music, wrote out a code for my school portfolio, and I wrote something for this blog. After all, they told me to relax. So I did what relaxed me.

I also arranged my stuff for the next day: my backpack, pencils, erasers, my reviewers, my pens, my wallet, my school ID, my UPCAT test permit, and a bunch or other stuff I didn't need (take note of this fact). After that, I slept at like 9PM, which was quite early for me.

The day itself. I woke up at 3:50 AM. We were supposed to leave by 4:00 or 4:30 AM. I took a shower to wake myself up, wore the clothes I had set the night before (the outfit thought about a week before), took one last look at the ID and the test permit to make sure it was there, and we, (as in me, my parents, and my sister) were off. Wait a bit. I actually posted something on my Instagram, which then sent it to various social networking sites I linked it to.

From my Instagram: "I will hold on to the hand of my Saviour. 🎶

UPCAT. Yo. You’re going down because of the One beside me. :)))))))

Hahaha what #upcat #bibleverses #AllHis"

Well actually, we waited for a bit in the clubhouse of the condominium village. Then here comes a taxi, then we were off to UP Diliman. We left at 4:30 AM. The ride was rather quick, since we went by way of C5/Kalayaan, and it was early in the morning. The only time the traffic flow got quite heavy was when we were turning from Kalayaan to C.P. Garcia, and inside the campus itself. [OKAY WAIT. Sorry about all these road names, I like remembering roads and places. If you know the place, well then good for you! If not, go find it in Google Maps. Or not. Anyways.]

We didn't enter the main entrance of UP, because there was a sign there that read, "UPCAT ENTRANCE ONLY." So we entered there, and followed the flow of the traffic going to the National Institute of Physics building. Just so you know (or if you already know, whatever) in the southern part of the campus, this building is the farthest from the main entrance. So it's the nearest to C.P. Garcia and Kalayaan Avenue. Yeh. I like far off places. So we alighted the taxi, and lined up.

There was this walkway-like thingy before going into the building. There were some steps going up, then a walkway with low walls on either side you could sit on, and grass beyond. Further on, there were a bit more steps going into the building. And all of this place was occupied by people. I say people, and not students, because for every student taking the UPCAT, there was an average of two people with him or her. So yeah. I tried looking at my notes at the last minute, but I couldn't because the queue was ALWAYS MOVING FORWARD. So I couldn't sit and read. Instead, I stood in line, phone tucked in my pocket, holding my pencilcase (because I had like ten pencils and two erasers inside it), and my food pouch (because I wasn't sure if bags were allowed inside the exam room). I left my backpack, with everything I didn't need and use, with my parents.

At around 5:50 AM, little by little, the students were let in. I thought we were being ushered to the test rooms already. But no. More queuing. I couldn't stand still, so I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, I walked in the space between the students on either side of me, and stretched my arms and fingers. I had to be active somehow, but, contrary to what I said I would do in my other post, I didn't jog. I think the other students thought I was nuts. Or maybe some thought I was nervous. I wasn't nuts, nor was I nervous. I just needed to move.

6:20 AM found me in the loo, after walking down some stairs to more queuing to the testing room, and being ordered by the UPCAT Examiner to show our test permits to the proctors, then being told to head to the loo before going inside. As usual, the line was long for the girls, and I was able to talk to this girl from some science high school in the metro. Remember, I still had everything with me and I had to pee and I really looked weird.

6:35 AM was when the examiner prattled off, the 'terms and conditions' (sorry I called it that, I don't know why), and asking every now and then, "Do you have any questions." Then the students would murmur a feeble, "None." Then again, "Do you have any questions?!" Then, from the students, a louder, "None." We also had to place our bags and electronics on a designated area because, hey, anything can be found in a bag and an electronic device. So yeah.

6:50 AM, I think, is when the UPCAT actually started. Language proficiency was very okay for me. Easy, I might even say. I finished all but three items, because for those items, I really didn't know the answer to. Science was okay-ish.  I wasn't able to answer a lot on Chemistry and the harder parts of Biology. I almost got sucked into the time limit. I started eating my fruits after Science. Math was alright. I did the geometry first, then the logical sequence, then the others. I wasn't able to finish everything, but I found the geometry quite easier than the rest. Reading comprehension was a bit harder than the others, as I was very tired and my eyes were rather strained. I was expecting 60% English and 40% Filipino, but I think it was more like 50/50. I wasn't able to answer everything, but I was able to finish all but two each of my fruit and and my chocolate.

When the students were let out, everyone's faces were like, "Unggggghhhhh... What did I just do... What just happened..."

And I found my sister looking for me among the crowd that had formed outside the building, and the moment I saw her, I tried to crack a smile and say hi. Which I succeeded in doing. And my mum was talking to one of her friends, whose son was going to take the UPCAT in the same building as I did. And they asked me how the UPCAT was, and I was like, "Tiring." My mum's friend's son came and asked me how it was, and I answered, "A lot of Filipino questions. It's quite easy, but it's rather tiring."

A few minutes later, we left the line on front of the building and headed to where my dad was. Upon seeing me, he asked how the exam was. As usual, I answered, "Tiring." We stayed there for a while and then I turned on the pocket wifi to snap a quick photo (I had like three takes before I picked which one to choose) for Instagram.

From my Instagram: "Out of the freezer then into the oven. It’s so hot bc tanghaling tapat. Hahaha what.

So yeah I just finished the UPCAT. Yeh."

Then my mum's friend went off somewhere, then we also went off somewhere. Then we bought ice cream and then found our way out of the campus. Then we went home. So yeah. :)

From my Tumblr: "Mobile blogging after UPCAT because I’m so badass. HAHAHA what"

There you have it. I may or may not have left some things out because... I dunno. Probably forgotten about them. But yeah. I'm sorry, I'm such a terrible blogger, I keep you guys hanging. Screw procrastination and distractions and hard subjects. Scratch the hard subjects part. I need those for school.

ANYWAYS. Thank you all for reading, even if it's so long and I suck at this (news flash: I don't suck at this, whatever I said). Thank you thank you thank you. See you next time!! <3 xxx

IT'S MY UPCAT TOMORROW?

So. I'll be taking the UPCAT (University of the Philippines College Admission Test) tomorrow morning, August 16th. Wooo~

I had been reviewing since May for this exam, and I am confident in God that I will be able to endure this test and pass and be accepted into the University of the Philippines. I have another post about my reviewing. If you haven't seen it, it's right through here.

Although I say I am confident, there's still this tiny part in me that says, But remember the 70k+ people you'll be competing with? And then I get nervous again. But then my lovely mother said not to get worried. I'll list down some of the advice she gave me.

First off, she said that I should not get worried because God is with me. I prayed that I will pass the UPCAT, and I reviewed a lot, and I should trust God no matter what.

And trusting God in the UPCAT means absolutely trust in Him alone. No doubt should ever poke at your brain.

I reviewed a lot, and I should just try to process everything fast. I said that I think faster when there's adrenaline rush, so I'll be jogging in the wee hours of the morning before the test.

Don't think about passing. Focus on answering and finishing the test. Don't get gigil at the test paper.

Bring chocolate for energy. Yeh. And food, cuz the test is like four hours and you're not gonna eat?! Okay.

And yeah. Just be confident in God. No worries.

:)
Eunicorne xx

Throwback Thursday!

SO. I've decided to post a throwback thingy every Thursday? Yeh. (MAYBE NOT. Whut) Woop woop~ But I still have yet to see if this is going to work for me. Hah. Anyways. I shall start.

So yes. Throwback. I need a photo. Here's one.

Presenting: The Godspell Cast. Nope, it's obviously not the original; this cast is made up of the students in the theater class in our school.

So I shall tell you a little story. The day was May 31st of 2013. It was drizzling because of the rather odd weather in the Philippines. We were headed to the PETA Theater in Quezon City for the one and only show of Godspell. After a few months (two or three, I think) of preparation, tiredness, rehearsals, and script memorization, we were finally going to act it out on stage, in front of a live audience. Within that audience was our beloved teacher, Ms. Neomi Gonzales, our parents, family, friends, schoolmates, and a lot more. The theater was filled. Lights and sounds were up and running, cues memorized, makeup retouched, and 3, 2, 1...

Wait. Before I become a tad overdramatic, I shall just kinda make this story a bit more fun. It's still all real, I promise you.

So yeah. Everything I said in the paragraph before the last was true. But I missed out some important and hilarious details.

I got sore/inflamed (whatever you call it) throat the night before the play. It so happened that while I was putting hairspray, I tilted my face upward so my nose caught some hairspray. The liquid went straight to my throat and stayed there. Plus, I accidentally inhaled some powder while someone was putting it on me and my clothing so it'll look messy steampunk. The result? I looked good. My voice was the exact opposite. I couldn't talk properly and normally, much less sing. This play was a musical. Self-explanatory. Good thing I didn't have any solos. Good thing I knew how to use stage voice.

A lot of the costumes were made from old clothing. The theme was steampunk. If you don't know what steampunk is, go Google it. Anyways. It was cool making those! It triggered everyone's imagination. The kind-of bad part about it is everyone mistook the steampunk color palette to be emo-ish. Guess what? A lot of people showed up with costumes that had a lot of black in it. Our teacher, Ms. Neomi, advised us to tweak our costumes a bit so it was more steampunk. So we did. The outcome is pictured in the photo above. Still had a lot of black, ey?

Godspell was the last play where this batch was together. So after the play, and the giving out of certificates of something something, the tears began streaming down everyone's face. Except mine. I felt really sad because it was like the last time I'll be with these people in a play, but my eyes just didn't have the energy to cry, and my throat felt like sandpaper. Meanwhile everyone was hugging everyone and the parents were taking photos, and the tears were still streaming down everyone's face. One of our friends who didn't join the play went around asking for souvenirs, like bangles, gloves, scarves, earrings and stuff. It was quite funny because when we were getting ourselves cleaned up, one of my friends/ates was like "Eunice, take care ha. No boyfriend muna! I'm gonna miss you! No boyfriend muna!" And I was like, yeah, sure okay.

SO YEAH. There. #ThrowbackThursday because it's Thursday here in the Philippines. Aye. Kbai

Eunicorne xx

I like photography.

I think you don't have to be a professional to take really good photos. I dunno. I'd like to share some of my favorite shots. :)

 

 

 
 

That's all I have to show right now. :) Sorry if the layout is quite messy, I kind of don't know how to fix this. Haha. Anyways. :))

All photos are copyrighted to me.

(c) Jasmin Umali