Hidden Insecurity

I thought I wasn't having any problems with insecurity. I was fine with myself, if someone threw an insult my way, I just brushed it off and laughed with it. I even helped others who were struggling with their own insecurities.

Then, here comes a friend (N) of a friend (A) who is apparently famous in her small group of friends. She (N) became my friend. Now I'm not gonna be writing about how she's such a b and how she brought the worst out of me because she didn't. She's a really good person and she's awesome. I'll leave it at that. I'll just be writing about what I experienced. Not about the people concerned.

So. We became really good friends. Then, though I don't really care nor do I have the right to, she and her friend (A) became close friends with another friend (R) that I almost had an exclusive relationship with. Keyword: Almost. I wrote him a letter that reminded him that we were still young and that I thank him for being a good friend. It kinda got ended, and sometimes I think if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's not that I want an exclusive relationship, but then I couldn't help but think, wow. All that for nothing. idk. Anyways.

They became like the 'popular' trio. They also call themselves the 'Besties.' Yes, so corny. Haha. No serious harm intended. So yeah. Although I was surrounded with other friends, sometimes I couldn't help but look at them for any sign of suspicious activity. Like a forming MU (mutual understanding aka they like each other and both of them know).

N told me that she doesn't like R in that way. I took it, but I didn't really trust her. I know it's a really bad thing to do, I couldn't help but wonder, what if? Time passes and a lot of people change drastically. But what if though?

I couldn't help but think that way because the last person who was in an MU with R also became a friend. She was nice, she was there just because she was helping out. Then things happened, and bam they were in an MU and almost in a relationship. Oh by the way this girl is like 6 years older than R. You'd think that she would have a wee bit, just a wee bit more brains because she was older. Ew. The things wrong love can do.

One of a lot of reasons why I thought that way was because N was pretty. A lot of people say so, and also self-proclaimed. It wasn't what ugly people do to get attention, but instead, it was like a well-known fact. She was good in playing the guitar, drums, singing, talking to other people. Kind of like me, except she was the popular one, and I don't mix well with other people in our area because I spoke a lot of English and a little Tagalog. 

So to cope with my increasing jealousy (yes, jealousy, fudgin jealousy), I became the person I never wanted to be, the person I was taught not to be, the person I loathed. Ew. Yes. I became a bitchy person towards them, but more on the two girls A and N.

I started hanging out with them less, kept conversation to a minimum, started being rude... It was so wrong, I knew it. But I kept on doing it anyways. I was afraid and jealous and insecure. I didn't realise that until A and N pulled me aside and gently asked if there was anything wrong.

I knew a lot of things were wrong with me, but I played the let's-just-pretend-I-still-vaguely-hate-you-and-that-I-think-nothing's-wrong-so-you'll-come-clean-and-tell-me-what-the-fudge-is-wrong. They explained that their relationship is entirely platonic/philia and that a lot of the things they do is entirely for the purpose of growing better as a person and as a Christian.

Turns out, they were so pissed with me when I did those things. I apologised and told them what I was afraid of. I told them I was kinda jealous, but I didn't elaborate that I was jealous of their friendship. It was a very close friendship that had a lot of wisdom. I was just kinda sad, that in all I did with R, it was all crap, almost all worthless.

I feel really bad for myself now. Honestly. That to think I was raised according to the Bible, then I act like this. Honestly I think it's better if you get to know Jesus in your teen years, but I don't know. I am in no place to claim or argue about that.

The decision lies in the person though. I have been swayed too much. If I had avoided an MU in the first place, I would not have been jealous of them. If I had become just friends with R, then I wouldn't have felt like this (such hugot lol but no srsly). A lot of it had been my fault.

So yeah. I opened this topic, talking about insecurity. Sometimes people do things because they want to prove something. Well here's the thing. You have nothing to prove, but everything to improve.

I remember someone telling me that if you're really walking with God, you wouldn't have a problem with self-esteem or insecurity because it's Him who gives you worth. It's Him who loves you more than you would ever know. If you're truly walking with God, you wouldn't go searching for love in the wrong places, because you know that real love is found only in God.

But seriously, I thank God for what He has been teaching me. Even though I mess up a lot of times, I know He's there to pick me up. He pointed out things in me that I need to improve on, and I'll really strive to improve.

It had hurt a lot to admit that I was jealous and insecure. I guess I was too proud to admit that I constantly need God. Well, disciplining sucks. It hurts, but I know God loves me and it's for my own good.

So yeah. I hope I was able to encourage others and warn some about the dangers wrong decisions can make. Haha.

So thank you and God bless! :)
Eunicorne xx

p.s. A & N & R, if you happen to read this, now you know. And I'm sorry. I'll improve.

Let's Catch Up A Bit, Yeah?

Yes, I have been gone for too long. Much too long for my liking.

So let me fill you in on what happened on my escapades while I was gone.

I couldn't write a lot, because of the super duper ultra awesome slow internet. I also became busy with school, and family, and church, and life.

Last December was hectic. Christmas parties here and there. Sometimes I had to perform in those Christmas parties too.

Anyways, January, and once again I was pressured to finish my studies and submit grades, all while practicing for the school play. I kind of have a problem though. Like if I have a lot of responsibilities and stuff to do, I get overwhelmed because I want them all done, but I also want to read, to play music, watch a movie, take photos, cook food and such. So what do I do? I basically just shut down and sit at the table with my schoolbook open and my phone in my hand. I usually end up with little to no things done.

It's hard, and weird, and crazy.

Finally, first week of February, my mum was like, 'okay Eunice we have to finish and submit your grades bc requirement. Oh and you also have to complete your apprenticeship too.' Aaaannd... I did like three quarter's worth of test papers in about two days. I was exhausted after that, but I still had time to post something on Instagram. Haha.


Aaaanndd... here I am, desperately trying to write something for my blog, so people won't think I died (idk what do u guys think). I don't want to treat writing and blogging as something tiring, but sometimes I'm really not in the mood for doing this. I don't know. I think I have to get my brain working in tip-top shape. Hahaha haha. ha. ha. i crey

But yes, as I mentioned in my previous post, I would be talking a bit about the story that I'm currently writing. It has a really long title, and I have no idea why I went with that. It came from the song Angels, by Mayday Parade. The story is about a girl's life. Aaaaaanndd... it may or may not have been based on real life Writer's block sucks. That's all.

So yeah. See you next time! I have to finish vlogging for my portfolio.

Muah.
Eunicorne