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pride
prīd/
noun
1. a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
Pride is a big thing. Some kind of pride is okay, I guess, like having pride in your sister for winning three gold medals in some sport. Another kind though, I think, is when you overdo it. Like when you have such a deep satisfaction in yourself that you never take anyone's advice anymore. Instead, you take what everyone says as an offense you your so-called greatness, when you're actually just one more idiotic person who needs a lot more improving as anyone else.
I'll just tell a story. This happened.
Sometimes, people tell me to tell them about the things I, or other people, want them to improve. Then one day, they do the thing I want them to realize they have to improve on. I tell them that they have to improve on that particular area, then all of a sudden, they explode. My words were supposed to be the key that, when turned, triggers the self-thought in the person, and in turn, makes them stop and pray and improve. But heck no. My words became a fire lit match, that when brought close to a hydrogen-filled balloon, it just obliterated anything within a certain radius.
It hurts. I try to be helpful, and yet all I get was a beating. Not physical, but verbal and emotional. It hurts even more when you're not in the conversation, not even in the same room, but you hear every. single. word. Both voices rising, one trying her best to contain the situation, the other defending his pride. It just sucks because I promised, but I couldn't say it out loud, straight to his face (but in a kind way, but still), because I sort of know what's going to happen. It's going to get worse.
What do I do? I sink back into my bed and attempt to make a decent conversation with my sister, so she wouldn't have to go through the agony of hearing them quarrel downstairs. Call me a super overactive shielding older sister but heck, I don't want her to hear the negative things and adopt them.
It kind of worked, but he was still so frick fracking talking too much. I cannot. I took a shower just to hear the water in my ears, and not their raised voices. It eventually ended, right after I took a shower. They went out. Their original plan was to go and have something printed somewhere. One thought the other was waiting, then the other one burst out just because they have a slight misunderstanding.
Some days or weeks later, we come at the same topic again. About openness and how important it was to tell the other family member about the things they had to improve on. So the interrogation (exaggeration) began.
"So what can I improve on?" he starts asking the family over dinner.
I say that there was nothing to improve, but it was all fine, and it was better than compared to a few months before. I had forgotten all about the recent quarrel, but a few minutes into the conversation, I kinda remembered it. And when I say something about an issue, I don't just keep a straight face if it really hurt me. If I don't care, or if I was angry, I'd have a straight face. But when I got hurt, especially emotionally, that's where my eyes turn into a waterfall.
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The problem about all of this is that this pride thing, can be from the fact that like hey, I do a lot of stuff for you guys, I am the 'head' and therefore I should be respected. Anyone who acts otherwise will immediately be bombarded with loud words. But you can still tell me what you want me to work on. Like what?
I know people have a lot going on in their lives, what with the world going too fast, change comes to frequent, everyone demanding more from telcos, and it's hard to manage the telco of the whole Philippines. Sometimes what causes the bursting up is pressure. Pressure on everything. From the house to your work to your idiotic nephew to anything related to life.
Well I guess the only thing you actually have to do is to just let it go. I mean, if you identify with me or with the person I'm talking about, you just have to let it go. Not like let it go, can't hold it back anymore so you'll just be another hydrogen-filled balloon with a fire right next to you and you burst, damaging everything within your reach.
Let it go, meaning, let the hydrogen-filled balloon find its way to the clouds. Let God take care of your problem. Lift it up to Him. He knows what to do with it. Surrender. Don't let pride get in the way of your surrendering because it's getting in the way of your relationship with other people. Surrender your pride, your pressure, your anger, and let God mold you and fill your life. This may be hard, but it's worth a shot.
I don't know who I'm addressing this to, but I don't care. Maybe you need this. I also need this.
Thank you for reading.
Eunicorne xx
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